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Awww Hell I’m Back!

Awww Hell I’m Back!
March 09
06:20 2019

By: Mike Rudon Jr. –

Yes I know I’m playing with your emotions. I promised I’d be gone for a while and here I am, back again. The truth is I was brought out of temporary retirement by someone who referred to me as a ‘self-professed alky’ on Facebook this morning. I thought it was cute, in a really ugly kind of way. Kind of like this person who commented, only without the cute part.

First of all, my faithful class of seven, let me just say that the struggle continues. I knew this wouldn’t be easy, but it’s a lot harder than I thought. I know it’s the same for a lot of people, because I see you. I am you. To me, alcohol addiction is a murky thing. It’s complicated. Maybe the most confounding thing I’ve faced in my many years on this planet. And yet, at the same time, it is remarkably simple. Just ask anybody.

When you drink, bad things happen. When you drink, you do stupid things. When you drink, you say stupid things. When you drink, and drive, you could easily kill yourself and others. When you drink, you run the risk of losing everything. When you drink, people dislike you. When you drink you can’t function. I mean, I could go on and on. So then – DON’T DRINK. Simple, right? If you know you cannot handle alcohol, then just don’t drink. Easy as that, and your worries are done. Jeez. What could be easier? You know something is bad for you, then don’t do it.

But see, for many of us it’s not that simple at all. Let me put it to you this way so you understand. And this is coming from a self-confessed alky and a very self-aware person – ME. There was a time when I had everything, pretty much. At least everything that was important – a family, a home, and a little dog named Pico that I loved very much. I knew the drinking was destroying all that. I wasn’t caught by surprise. My demise was forecast a long time ago. I can’t blame anyone but myself. Listen, this isn’t a sad story. I’m just telling you like it is. I knew I would lose everything. And I still didn’t stop.

So fast-forward to today, when pretty much everything has been lost. There is this voice in my head which, very rationally and logically says – well, you didn’t do it when you had everything to lose, so how can you do it when you have lost everything, and you’re alone, and lonely, and sad? That makes absolutely perfect sense, right?

Anyway, this is not about me. This is about you. I know what you’re going through. I know what it is to be alone. And it is possible to be alone, and lonely, even when there are people around. Trust me on that. I know what it is to lose all hope. I know what it is to want to listen to the voice that says, you’re a failure, you will never amount to anything. I know what it is to listen to the other voice that says – look at all the crap you’ve done in your life. You will never be able to make up, to make amends. This will follow you for the rest of your life. I know what it is to feel so humiliated and ashamed you want to die. I know what it is to curl up in a little shell (well a damned big shell in my case) and just block everybody and everything out, just to try to preserve the little sanity left.

I’ve been there. Hell, sometimes I’m still there. It’s tough leaving work in the evening, or night, knowing that pretty much only four walls are waiting for you. And when we convince ourselves that there’s nothing left, we do stupid things, like drink because for that moment we feel okay. It’s a blessed reprieve from the nothing. But it’s all a lie. Just one big deception that gets perpetuated over and over again.

Don’t fall for it. Don’t believe you’re worthless. Don’t believe that your life has all but ended. Don’t believe that you’re alone. And never believe that alcohol is the solution to your problems. It is not. But you need to start rebuilding NOW. Today. This moment. You have to keep telling yourself that there is more out there. And never tell yourself that you’ve lost everything. Because you’re alive. And every breath you take is a gift from God. So use it wisely.

I’ve learned something about myself in the past months. I’m a fighter, and I will not give up. But I also learned that we can’t just keep saying it and giving in. I get it. I know the seductive pull of alcohol. I know about depression. But one day at a time. One moment at a time if necessary. You have to want it. Be sure you want it. Then go for it.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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