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Bring Me To Life

Bring Me To Life
April 22
05:58 2019

By: Mike Rudon Jr.  –

Wake me up inside

Call my name and save me from the dark

Bid my blood to run

Before I come undone

Save me from the nothing I’ve become

I got to the point in my life, not so very long ago, when I didn’t know who I was. I can’t quite exactly describe how that feels. It’s surreal. For most of my life I considered myself a damned good person. I would never deliberately hurt somebody. I helped little old ladies across the street, rescued cats from trees and kids from burning buildings. All that good stuff. I was the guy you take home to mom, the kind of guy who could make you feel important and loved. I considered myself an amazing father, too – the ‘I’d die for my kids or kill for my kids’ type. I was a frigging saint.

But give me a bottle or two of rum, and all bets are off. I could take a couple drinks and it’d all be good. I’d be pensive, a thinker, a charmer. I’d get funnier, a little more outspoken, come out of my shell a bit. Not bad things, all in all. But pour another, and another, and another, and at some point I’d become somebody else. Let me be real honest here – the person I became wasn’t always a monster, not really. Sometimes, even drunk, I’d still be borderline cool, still tell jokes, act the fool a little but tolerable. Sometimes I’d watch movies quietly, hugging my kids, sipping drinks until my eyes crossed and I went to bed.

But at times the alcohol would bring out all my insecurities, my anger, my frustration, my bitterness. And later in my life, it got much worse. Everything in my life started falling apart. Much of it was because of the alcohol, and ironically, it was to alcohol I turned for comfort. But that comfort was a delusion, an illusion. And fueled by my own sense of failure, I would become a monster – not a cool monster like the Hulk who beats up everybody but saves the world still. I mean an unpleasant, unlikable, even dangerous monster – totally unstable, totally unpredictably while under the influence, totally unlovable.

And I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know if Mike was the hard worker, political thinker, decent father, good person – or the faded out drunk who could not overcome the weight of his own despair. I just didn’t know.

I was lost. It’s as simple as that. I was lost in a prison of my own making, and I didn’t think I had the strength to ever make it out. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to. And it drove me into a depression that to this day I don’t understand. I was at the brink of something terrible, that much I know.

I don’t know what changed in me, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I have changed. It is an incredible thing. I look back on what I became, and it shocks and scares the hell out of me. There was no color in my life. It had no purpose. I withdrew from everybody. Nothing much mattered anymore. It was a struggle to function. I started taking pills so I could sleep a few hours at least. My mind never shut down. And I was spiraling down. At times I didn’t even care. I started getting chest pains, stopped taking my blood pressure pills, and didn’t even care. Ha…I even wrote my eulogy in my mind a couple times. And pictured Marleni reading it because that’s still the plan. I make light of it now because it seems so far away.

Don’t think this is the end of my story. And don’t look for a fairy tale ending just yet. But I’ve found purpose, and I’ve found strength, and I’ve found me. I will probably fall some more times. But that’s life. And I’m human. Sometimes we don’t see the simple things that are our blessings. I’m going to take the words of one of my blessings to heart – life may not be all we want it to be, but it is good. And we are blessed. So we should enjoy what we have for as long as we have it.

– – The End – –

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