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Allow Me To Introduce Myself

Allow Me To Introduce Myself
June 08
16:19 2019

By: Mike Rudon Jr. –

There are very many people who feel that I will never change. They see my words, and understand that I am good at words, and they believe I am a man only of words and little willpower. They think that I use my words to manipulate. Maybe I have. Maybe they’re not far wrong.

Many people tolerate me because sober I am pretty cool, but they don’t think I will ever amount to much, because I will always be a drunk. Some tolerate me because I am a talented sucker with a particular skill which can be utilized. There is no respect or affection – just the talent.

There are those who scorn me, or dislike me intensely, and they pray daily that I will always be a drunk. You know how that is. We are a society of haters. Stand in a room with a bunch of your closest friends, and I guarantee you that some of them want to see you fall.

And there are those who want to see the change, but don’t think it will ever happen. They’ve lost hope. They’ve lost faith. As sad as it is, the demons in poor Mike will triumph, like those ones in the Exorcist who show up in the Nun and in Amityville, or something like that. The point is they never die. There are those who love me, and have forced themselves to accept me as I am, the good and the bad, because I will never change.

And there are those who walk away. It is what it is.

But enough of the maudlin and the melancholy. Join the club. I am sitting here, writing this, and a part of me believes the hype. Mike Rudon will always be a drunk – the man with all the potential who always screws up at the exact moment he is supposed to shine. I will stay clean and sober all through the courtship, the proposal, the engagement and the wedding planning – then show up on the day of my wedding drunk. It’s happened all through my life. It’s driven me to the point of insanity. It’s caused me to feel worthless most of my life. It’s destroyed everything I ever worked for, everything I ever built, everything I ever achieved, all my hopes, all my confidence, all my dreams. Until here I am, an old, fat, feeble man, who has taken the single most important step of my entire life. Not a step into a barroom – I’ve taken millions of those. But a symbolic step out of the barroom, and a real step out of the bottle.

My mind is all jumbled up right now. As it usually is. I am having to deal with the reality of nobody really believing in me anymore. And then there is the reality of me not believing in myself anymore. And then there is the fact that when you make a decision to do something, the world doesn’t shift on its axis to accommodate you. I have friends who know my struggles yet send me pictures of alcohol. There are still the same bars, the same shops, the same offers. And there are still the same heartbreaks and challenges and emotions. I have made my bed, and it took me years to ensure that it was perfectly spread with the sharpest bits of glass I could find. And now I have to lay in it. It is as simple as that.

And let me say this – I envy many of you with your fairytale lives. Comfortable homes, weekend trips, family outings, love, normal, stability, control. Did I mention NORMAL? You have so much, yet how many of you never realize it? You can even enjoy a drink or two to ease the stress of a long day at the frigging amazing job. You can go to the club, and drink, and stop. You can go to parties and drink and stop. You can go to social events without the ever present fear of embarrassing yourselves. Alcohol took all that away from me. I can’t do any of that. I lost all of that. Count your good fortune.

This is a story of hope. Hahahaha. You wouldn’t have guessed it, would you? This is a story about finding myself after losing myself so many years ago. LOL. I am frigging blessed. Blessed, I tell you. Because I am alive to write this, and I am sober. Alcohol has beaten so many, and destroyed so much. But it hasn’t beaten me yet. I’ve still got some life in this old battered body. And I won’t be beaten. I just won’t.

I hope I haven’t lost any of my seven faithful readers during this rant. You guys have been with me through it all. It would be a shame to walk away now through what promises to be the best part. Allow me to introduce myself!

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